I'm starting to wonder what exactly it is that compels me to write in a setting like this. I go years without writing a single thing, return in a focused way for a week, then let it slip by again until a month later. Sometimes I think I use writing as a means to let out unhappy thoughts, but I'm not sure that's quite accurate. I don't think it's unhappy so much as unsure. I write about things in order to air them out, get some perspective, and find conclusions. It always worked for me in school--I would read something and like it but never know quite why until I was forced to write about it, since I couldn't just say "I liked it." That's what I mean--writing makes me back up my thoughts in a concrete way, as opposed to a vague feeling I have.
And I certainly have some vague feelings right now that I would love to flesh out.
But if we're going to talk about school, then true to form, I am procrastinating. Maybe I'll be back soon to try to combat all my second guessings and over analysis.
Let's just say I met a boy and the timing is all wrong, so it's hard to tell what's actually going on. And it doesn't help that I think I need to be constantly told how much he likes me, and that steady stream is not coming in.
I need to compile a list of things that make me happy and that I can do on my own that have nothing to do with the internet. I noticed a list like this on my boss's fridge, and I think it's a great way to get me motivated. I waste too much time on the internet, a fact I was less aware of until I went down to Raleigh and couldn't use the internet inside my house. I realized that I tend to pass the time playing pointless computer games and incessantly reloading Broadway news sites, and though I wouldn't exactly call it boring, I would call it unsatisfying. There are much more creative and compelling things that I could be doing if I only thought for a second about what I wanted to do instead of taking the easy way out and overusing my computer.
I'm secretly hoping that someone I know will find this and read it. I haven't told anyone about it because I tend to feel like my thoughts aren't important enough for other people to care about them. And yet the only thing I want is for someone to hear them and validate them.
I used the word pathetic in my last entry, and I don't like that I did. I didn't feel pathetic at all today. I think it was a product of the fact that I was writing at 3am. It's easy to feel pathetic at that hour.
I guess it's important to be aware of those feelings, because you can't deal with them, figure out a way to turn them into something positive, if you don't even know they're there.
I learned a lot about myself in Raleigh. I learned a lot about my body due to the fact that I had to get completely naked on stage in the show, but what I want to talk about is what I learned about who I am. I realized that I don't trust myself. I don't take ownership of the things that I like and want. I'm so afraid of being judged for what I like or what I do that I tend to live tentatively. Especially around people that I respect and that I really want to make a good impression on, I'll keep what I really feel hidden until I can gauge whether or not it matches them.
Thinking about it, I'll probably make a better impression on someone if I'm just being myself. I need to take ownership of who I am, and let go of fears of judgment. Anyone who is going to judge me is going to find a reason to judge me anyway. I need to get more in tune with what I want and allow myself to go for it when I know what it is.
I think this is the same thing that has prevented me from having any real relationship. As soon as I get the feeling that I may be interested in someone, I start getting really nervous that they won't like me, so I tend to turn off my personality and become incredibly boring. I don't give off any signals that I am interested, because I'm afraid that doing that will scare them away. I get upset when I don't get any signals back from them, even though I'm not giving them any myself. I can't be upfront and tell someone I like them unless I'm sure they feel the same way; is this because I have trouble taking ownership of how I feel? If I were completely sure that I liked someone, why couldn't I tell them? Maybe it's because I'm afraid that if I do tell them, I'll have to deal with the real feeling I'll get back either way (if they feel the same way, it's really awesome--if they don't, it really sucks). It's a subconscious protective measure to shield me from getting hurt.
But if I don't take the risk, what am I doing?
I've been feeling a little bit pathetic lately and I think writing for myself is a great way of getting those feelings out and trying to turn them into something positive.
So, I'm back. For now. Who knows how long it'll last before I decide I don't need this outlet anymore for the millionth time, but for now I'm here.
I was actually feeling really great about myself over the summer. I was living in an amazing neighborhood, going to the gym on a regular basis, spending lots of time with friends, and generally enjoying the city before I had to find a real job. I even went on a couple of dates, which I hadn't done in far too long. To top it all off, I got cast as Claude in a production of HAIR in North Carolina after only my 5th audition in the city. That blew my mind. I actually started hyperventilating when I got the offer, and when I finally calmed down a little bit all I could do was scream "WHO AM I?" My life seemed to take a sudden turn for the better, which my experience at Oberlin did not prepare me for.
My time in North Carolina was also great. I got to do what I love, and for the first time since I can remember, I was actually pleased with my performance in a show. I met a bunch of amazing people that I hope will stay in my life for a long time no matter their physical distance. I didn't have regular access to the internet so I re-learned what it was like to live my life without it, to an extent, and that felt right.
I think I was completely taken by surprise by my experience in North Carolina. I was not expecting to make as good friends as I did, and I was not expecting to be so affected by their sudden disappearance from my life when I moved back to New York. For years I haven't had a doubt that New York is where I want to live, and yet my return here was not as fulfilling as I thought it would be. The grass is always greener, because while in Raleigh I longed to be back in New York, and yes, coming back to New York was still great and exciting in certain ways, but I was completely unprepared to deal with how much I missed my experience and friends in Raleigh.
On top of that, returning to the audition scene in New York has also been very difficult. Coming off of the high of playing the lead in a regional production, it's frustrating to learn that that doesn't count for anything. In any normal career path, a good job leads to a better one, and so on and so on. That is not the case here. I'm on a level playing field with everyone else I see at these auditions, and I don't have a 3-hour long show to prove that I can perform. I have approximately 1 minute to show what I can do, and especially when auditioning for full seasons, I find it incredibly challenging to figure out how to best show myself off.
For Prather, they were casting around 13 shows, but I felt I was most right for 2 of them: RENT and Big River. I didn't think I had an audition song that was right for both of them, so I decided to split the difference and sing a song that could kind of work for either. My plan backfired. Instead of picturing me for either show, the people behind the table noticed all the tap on my resume and asked me to return for the dance callback. They were interested in me for the ensemble of their shows, which is a joke because I don't have those talents. I didn't make it past the first round of dancing. Joel tailored his audition for RENT and ended up getting a vocal callback for a part in that show. I should have thought that one through, based on what everyone says about casting directors having no imagination.
For Carnival Cruise Lines, they were hiring for lead singers for their fleet of ships. I never thought I would be hired by a cruise ship, but somehow I convinced myself that maybe I actually am right for it. I am tall, I do sing well, and I also think that I can engage an audience pretty effectively. The auditioners told us before they started seeing people that if they didn't think we were a good fit, they would return our headshots and resumes as a courtesy. I thought that was a great policy, because it meant that we knew right away if we weren't being considered, and because it meant we got to reuse those headshots. What I didn't realize was that they would hand them back to us right in the room, which was a little bit humiliating. Especially because I felt that I sang really well in my audition! I've realized that they were looking for a type of presence that I just don't have, which is fine, but rejection is still rejection. Though I rationally know that I just wasn't what they were looking for, I can't pretend that I like being told that.
Balancing auditions, working in the Bronx, seeing my friends, taking dance classes, and getting to the gym has also been tough, especially considering that my new neighborhood comes complete with none of those things (except a couple of my friends, which is nice). I haven't even gotten to any dance classes yet, and in the almost three weeks that I've been in New York I've only been to 2 auditions and to the gym 3 times. It's tougher to see my friends when getting home is so much more of a hassle. I have to learn to negotiate all of these things and still feel like I'm not missing anything. And I haven't even thought about any kind of love life...
So that's where I am right now. Maybe I'm just a bit overwhelmed by it all and I'll fall into my groove soon. I haven't even been back in New York for 20 days yet. The 7 weeks I spent in Raleigh felt very stable--in that time I interacted with about 25 people and that's it, and spent almost every waking minute with 2 of them. My return to New York has maybe been a tad disorienting, not having this community that inundated my life. I guess I just have to create that community for myself here.
